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Buster Benson

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Absurd Advice from Buster (edition #4)
f is for fox

I've recently fallen head over heels for a guy who lives in another state.  For over four months, we had talked every single day for hours, sometimes not even sleeping.  We finally met in person and I stayed with him for one amazing week and things were perfect.  We both decided to take things one step at a time because the distance made things difficult.  We didn't go "exclusive," and decided to take that step after I had moved down.

Here is the part that makes things heartbreaking and confusing.  Taking a look at his MySpace, you would think the guy is trying to collect women like baseball cards.  There are tons of comments from all of these girls about how she misses him, and how hot he is, and how she wishes she could see him again and blah blah blah.  I was trying my best to ignore it and not be a jealous woman, but I had to ask him what that was all about.  He said he "gets along better with girls" and "they all want him but can't have him." So I had to ask if he would only be dating me when I got down there or several girls at once so I knew what to expect and also is he now seeing many people at once.  His response was, "I never said I was.  I am just not going to say that I wouldn't be.  I am not now."

Totally. Effing. Heartbroken.

So am I just stupid because this guy is a player and I'm not seeing it? Or have I become victim to MySpace Senior High?

It might help to think of this relationship in terms of energy. Giving energy, and taking it away. A healthy relationship needs a healthy flow of energy (give, take, and give back again), and the best relationships are like holding a mic up to a speaker and achieving a true positive feedback loop. That screeching sound is love that has spiraled and magnified and has the strength to burst hearts. So let's do energy surgery here and see what's going on.

Falling head over heals. There's lots of good energy here... calling all the time, talking, making plans to visit, actually visiting, experiencing perfection. A great start.

Deciding to take things one step at a time. This is like putting a valve on the energy, storing it up, making sure you and he both maintain balance and control. It's a move that is generally considered safe. I'd be curious to know how this decision was reached. Depending on if it was truly mutual, or if one person brought it up and the other person agreed, makes a big difference. It's difficult to turn down something that sounds so reasonable, but this lessening of the energy flow could have a big impact on the eventual outcome of the relationship. It sets the tone of playing safe, while hiding the motivations.

Deciding to move to his state. This is a very giving move. The opposite of taking things one step at a time. Moving to another state is a much bigger move than moving to an exclusive relationship, and the difference is that it is you who is doing all the giving. While bringing the mutual energy level down in the relationship and then taking this one step that is completely unbalanced, you have unbalanced the flow of energy, sending it all downhill to this guy. Which is fine as long as he sends the energy back... but he doesn't.

The move that seals the deal is that he has no interest in promising anything regarding the relationship even after you promise to move. He has turned into an energy hog... evidenced further by his attitude towards attention on Myspace. An energy hog will often look for ways to live off the energy of others while trying to give as little of it back as possible. This strategy makes sense when you're playing the stock market, but not with relationships. The energy loop of this relationship has become closed, and incredibly lop-sided, in his favor, and it seems like he has no interest in balancing it back out. Energy hogs are very sensitized to the movement of energy, however. You may have already noticed that he will send attention and love back to you if you cut off the flow. But this game of energy see saw where your only valid move is to cut off the flow is a boring and slowly fatal one. While the energy flow started off nicely, and you may have the impression that things might return to that early stage of mutual affection, he has since changed the game and I would bet has no interest in bringing it back. Don't play that game.

Dump this dude and don't look back.

Have a question for me about advice, modern etiquette, or fortune telling?  Add an anonymous comment to this entry and I'll answer up to three of them by next week